Funny Quotes

You can find humor in everyday situations if you read this full collection of humorous inspirational quotations and sayings. With the help of these humorous quotations, make your life more enjoyable.

If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.―Aldo Cammarota

Here is a collection of funny quotes and phrases. You'll laugh aloud reading these amusing quotations. Bring laughter to your life with these funny quotes.

Funny Quotes and Sayings to Make You Laugh

My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.


I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

― Mitch Hedberg

Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Albert Einstein

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Mark Twain

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

― Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you're a good person is like expecting a bull not to attack you because you're a vegetarian.

― Dennis Wholey

Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

― Suzanne Collins

Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.

― Ellen DeGeneres

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

― Dave Barry

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

George Carlin

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

― Steve Martin

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the war room.

― Dr. Strangelove

Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you're able to ‘fall asleep right now.’

― Anonymous

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

― Phyllis Diller

The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.

― Doug Larson

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.―Elbert Hubbard

My mother always used to say; The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana.

― Betty White

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

― Mark Twain

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

― Garrison Keillor

The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

― Mark Twain

I walk around like everything's fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

― Anonymous

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

― Charles M. Schulz

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

― Ellen DeGeneres

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

― David Letterman

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

― Paul Terry

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most do.

― Dale Carnegie

Keep your temper. Nobody else wants it.

― Dearborn Independent

People can't drive you crazy if you don't give them the keys.

― Mike Bechtle

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

― G.K. Chesterton

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

― Albert Einstein

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

― Groucho Marx

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.

― Jack Handy

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.

― Addison H. Hallock

It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the problem.

― Malcolm Forbes

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

― Ernest Hemingway

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

― Cathy Guiswite

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

― Mark Twain

My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. ―Socrates

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

― Charles Bukowski

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

― Rodney Dangerfield

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

― Will Ferrell

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

― Lucille Ball

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

― Stephen Colbert

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

― Terry Pratchett

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

― Golda Meir

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.

― Robert Benchley

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

― Yogi Berra

You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.

― Billy Arthur

It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he's madly in love, drunk, or running for office.

― B. Birdsong

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

― Rita Rudner

I love mankind... it's people I can't stand!

― Charles M. Schulz

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

― Jerry Seinfeld

By the time you're 80 years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

― George Burns

The only time some fellows are ever seen with their wives is after they've been indicted.

― Kin Hubbard

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

― Erma Bombeck

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into a home.

― Dennis Miller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

― Phyllis Diller

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.

― Phil Pastoret

I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later. ―Mitch Hedberg

If you can't be kind, at least be vague.

― Judith Martin

Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!

― Charlie Brown

Funny Quotes about Family and Parenting

There are two classes of travel—first class and with children.

― Robert Benchley

If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.

― Reese Witherspoon

It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, ‘Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don't lean back in your chair.’ Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along.

― Erma Bombeck

Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

― Paula Poundstone

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

― Phyllis Diller

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

― Rodney Dangerfield

Kids are expensive, I didn't even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.

― Kate Davis

When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

― Erma Bombeck

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

George Bernard Shaw

By the time a man realises that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he is wrong.

― Charles Wadsworth

Funny Quotes about Marriage

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

― Rodney Dangerfield

If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife's birthday, just try forgetting it once.

― Aldo Cammarota

My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

― Socrates

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

― Phyllis Diller

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.

― Will Ferrell

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

― Jim Carrey

Never criticize your spouse's faults; if it weren't for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.

― Jay Trachman

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

― Rod Stewart

Funny Quotes about Friends and Enemies

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.

― Addison H. Hallock

Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families.

― Anonymous

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

― George Carlin

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

― Rita Mae Brown

The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

― Mark Twain

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

Oscar Wilde

Funny Quotes about Optimism and Pessimism

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.

― George Will

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.

― George Bernard Shaw

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

― James Branch Cabell

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!’

― Anonymous

Funny Quotes about Dogs and Cats

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

― Groucho Marx

When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

― Nora Ephron

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

― Robert A. Heinlein

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

― Robert Benchley

If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.

― Andrew A. Rooney

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

― Anonymous

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

― Jeff Valdez

Funny Quotes about Money and Work

I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

― Jerome K. Jerome

If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.

― Dorothy Parker

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

― Edgar Bergen

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.

― Mark Twain

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper.

― Quentin Crisp

Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished.

― Leslie Nielsen

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

― Steve Martin

Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

― Tom Snyder

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

― Mark Twain

Funny Quotes about Education, Success and Failure

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

― Kurt Vonnegut

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.

― W.C. Fields

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

― Mark Twain

A college education is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get.

― William Lowe Bryan

Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent.

― Steve Martin

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

― Fran Lebowitz

It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.

― Gore Vidal

Funny Quotes about IIntelligence and Stupidity

If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

― Will Rogers

We use 10% of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60%.

― Ellen DeGeneres

Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.

― George Carlin

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

― Billy Connolly

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

― Albert Einstein

When it doubt, look intelligent.

― Garrison Keillor

User: the word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot.'

― Dave Barry

Funny Quotes about Happiness

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

― Oscar Wilde

Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.

― Bo Derek

A bore is the kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, he tells you.

― Channing Pollock

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.

― Rita Mae Brown

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Abraham Lincoln

Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any.

― Samuel L. Jackson

Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city.

― George Burns

She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.

― Jean Webster

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

― Joan Rivers

By the time someone says, ‘To make a long story short,’ it's too late.

― Don Herold

Funny Quotes about Gossip

A gossip is a person who creates the smoke in which other people assume there's fire.

― Dan Bennett

You can't believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.

― Anonymous

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

― Oscar Wilde

More Funny Quotes

However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, "I'm just crying because of how wrong you are."

― Amy Poehler

My life needs editing.

― Mort Sahl

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

― Thomas Sowell

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

― Will Rogers

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

― Theodore Roosevelt

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

― Groucho Marx

I can resist everything except temptation.

― Oscar Wilde

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

― David Lee Roth

To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome.

― Gena Showalter

I'm no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.

― Mark A. Cooper

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.

― Criss Jami

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

― George Carlin

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

― Elbert Hubbard

I've had great success being a total idiot.

― Jerry Lewis

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

― Hedy Lamarr

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

― Jerry Seinfeld

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

― Mitch Hedberg

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

― Mark Twain

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

― Mel Brooks

The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.

― Rachel Vincent

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

― Zsa Zsa Gabor

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

― W.C. Fields

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

― George Carlin

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.

― Sam Levenson

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

― Douglas Adams

What's another word for Thesaurus?

― Steven Wright

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

― Abraham Lincoln

Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.

― Suzanne Collins

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

― Walt Disney

A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real.

― Harry Styles

What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.

― Gena Showalter

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.

Henry David Thoreau

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

― Oscar Levant

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

― Margaret Mead

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

― Henry Kissinger

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

― Mark Twain

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

― Robert Benchley

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

― Groucho Marx

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

Mae West

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

― Isaac Asimov

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.

― Norman Wisdom

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Winston Churchill

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

― Rodney Dangerfield

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

― Lily Tomlin

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

― Albert Einstein

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

― Isaac Asimov

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

― Alexander Woollcott

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

― Abraham Lincoln

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

― Dalai Lama

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

― Lana Turner

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

― George Carlin

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

― Abraham Lincoln

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

― Billy Connolly

I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.

Jane Austen

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

― Wendell Johnson

If you're trapped in the dream of the Other, you're fucked.

― Gilles Deleuze

How is it possible to have a civil war?

― George Carlin

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

― Ron White

She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom.

― John Green

I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are.

― William Faulkner

The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.

― Cervantes Saavedra

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

― Albert Einstein

Instant gratification takes too long.

― Carrie Fisher

Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave.

― Jim Butcher

Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.

― Erica Jong

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

― Dave Barry

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

― Jules Renard

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

― H.L. Mencken

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

― Mae West

We are all here on earth to help others: what on earth the others are here for, I don't know.

― W.H. Auden

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

― Groucho Marx

I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.

― Derek Landy

Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.

― Laurell K. Hamilton

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

― Oscar Wilde

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.

― Walt Whitman

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

― Chris Rock

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.

― Bill Cosby

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!

― Bill Watterson

Pressure is something you feel when you don't know what the hell you're doing.

― Peyton Manning

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

― Will Rogers

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

― Jack Benny

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

― Bertrand Russell

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

― Jim Henson

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

― Henny Youngman

You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!

― Lauren Myracle

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.

― H. G. Wells

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

― Katharine Hepburn

We are all born mad. Some remain so.

― Samuel Beckett

The funniest people are the saddest ones.


Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

― Groucho Marx

The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

― George Carlin

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?

― Albert Einstein

Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!

Dr. Seuss

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

― Jon Stewart

Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.

― Thomas Bernhard

Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.

― Holly Black

Puns are the highest form of literature.

― Alfred Hitchcock

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

― H. L. Mencken

I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.

― Lauren Myracle

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

― Steven Wright

Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.

― Lewis Carroll

People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.

― Terry Pratchett

Never memorize something that you can look up.

― Albert Einstein

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.

― Phyllis Diller

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Benjamin Franklin

Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

― Charles J. Sykes

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

― Charlie Chaplin

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

― George Bernard Shaw

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

― Phyllis Diller

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

― Albert Einstein

Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity.

― Thor Heyerdahl

A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.

― Jane Austen

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

― Ellen DeGeneres

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them.

― Bertrand Russell

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

― Rodney Dangerfield

I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.

― Franklin D. Roosevelt

It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

― Lewis Carroll

One man is as good as another until he has written a book.

― Benjamin Jowett

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

― Charles M. Schulz

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.

― Dr. Seuss

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

― Dale Carnegie

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

― Zsa Zsa Gabor

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

― George Bernard Shaw

The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.

― Galileo Galilei

We all know that light travels faster than sound. That's why certain people appear bright until you hear them speak.

― Albert Einstein

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

― Paula Poundstone

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

― Bill Watterson

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

― Robin Williams

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

― Groucho Marx

Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.

― Marian Keyes

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

― Will Rogers

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

― Rodney Dangerfield

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

― Billy Connolly

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

― Prince Philip

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

― Mark Twain

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

― Warren Buffett

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

― Terry Pratchett

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.

― Josh Billings

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

― Will Rogers

Also read:

Previous Post Next Post