You can find humor in everyday situations if you read this full collection of humorous inspirational quotations and sayings. With the help of these humorous quotations, make your life more enjoyable.
Here is a collection of funny quotes and phrases. You'll laugh aloud reading these amusing quotations. Bring laughter to your life with these funny quotes.
Funny Quotes and Sayings to Make You Laugh
My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you're a good person is like expecting a bull not to attack you because you're a vegetarian.
Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.
Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.
A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the war room.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you're able to ‘fall asleep right now.’
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.
My mother always used to say; The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana.
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
I walk around like everything's fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most do.
Keep your temper. Nobody else wants it.
People can't drive you crazy if you don't give them the keys.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.
It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the problem.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.
It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he's madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I love mankind... it's people I can't stand!
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
By the time you're 80 years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
The only time some fellows are ever seen with their wives is after they've been indicted.
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into a home.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.
If you can't be kind, at least be vague.
Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!
Funny Quotes about Family and Parenting
There are two classes of travel—first class and with children.
If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.
It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, ‘Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don't lean back in your chair.’ Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along.
Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Kids are expensive, I didn't even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.
When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
By the time a man realises that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he is wrong.
Funny Quotes about Marriage
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife's birthday, just try forgetting it once.
My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Never criticize your spouse's faults; if it weren't for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
Funny Quotes about Friends and Enemies
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.
Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Funny Quotes about Optimism and Pessimism
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!’
Funny Quotes about Dogs and Cats
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
Funny Quotes about Money and Work
I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper.
Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished.
All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Funny Quotes about Education, Success and Failure
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
A college education is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get.
Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent.
In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
Funny Quotes about IIntelligence and Stupidity
If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
We use 10% of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60%.
Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
When it doubt, look intelligent.
User: the word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot.'
Funny Quotes about Happiness
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.
A bore is the kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, he tells you.
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any.
Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city.
She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.
People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
By the time someone says, ‘To make a long story short,’ it's too late.
Funny Quotes about Gossip
A gossip is a person who creates the smoke in which other people assume there's fire.
You can't believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.
The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
More Funny Quotes
However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, "I'm just crying because of how wrong you are."
My life needs editing.
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome.
I'm no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.
Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
I've had great success being a total idiot.
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real.
What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
If you're trapped in the dream of the Other, you're fucked.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom.
I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are.
The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Instant gratification takes too long.
Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave.
Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
We are all here on earth to help others: what on earth the others are here for, I don't know.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.
Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.
You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!
Pressure is something you feel when you don't know what the hell you're doing.
All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!
Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
We are all born mad. Some remain so.
The funniest people are the saddest ones.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?
Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.
Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.
Puns are the highest form of literature.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.
People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.
Never memorize something that you can look up.
We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity.
A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.
My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.
It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
One man is as good as another until he has written a book.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.
We all know that light travels faster than sound. That's why certain people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.
There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
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