Here we have put together a list of the 25 best quotes by George Carlin.
Top 25 George Carlin Quotes and Sayings
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.