George Carlin (1937–2008) was an American comedian, actor, author, and social critic. Regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comedians of all time, he was dubbed "the dean of counterculture comedians". He was known for his black comedy and reflections on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and taboo subjects.
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| The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. -- George Carlin |
Here Is A Collection Of George Carlin Most Inspiring Quotes: George Carlin Funny Quotes. George Carlin Quotes About Life, Humanity, Stuff and Death. George Carlin Quotes on Comedy and Humor. Quotes And Sayings To Make You Laugh By George Carlin.
George Carlin Quotes and Sayings
The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
'Meow' Means 'Woof' in Cat.
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
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| Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. -- George Carlin |
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.
Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.'"
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.
Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette?
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.'
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
So I say, "Live and let live." That's my motto. "Live and let live." And anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family.
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Everyone smiles in the same language.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Don't just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes... dies.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
It's never just a game when you're winning.
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they're cramming for their final exam.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.
People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.
They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason.
If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
Always do whatever's next.
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
California is a small woman saying, 'Fuck me.' New York is a large man saying, 'Fuck you!'
Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.
Sometimes a little brain damage can help.
Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.
They don't want an educated populace capable of critical thought, sitting around the kitchen table realizing how badly they're getting fucked!
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.
I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.
Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.
I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
You can prick your finger... Just don't finger your prick.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Tits always look better in a pink sweater.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
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