Groucho Marx (1890–1977) was an American comedian, actor, writer, singer, stage, film, radio, television star and vaudeville performer. He is generally considered to have been a master of quick wit and one of America's greatest comedians.
Here is a collection of Groucho Marx most famous quotes: Groucho Marx Quotes about love, marriage, romance, life, friends, books, reading and television. Groucho Marx Quotes Funny. Quotes and Sayings on clubs, membership, gibe, insult, friends, jail, animals, dogs, humor, books, reading, art and money by Groucho Marx.
Groucho Marx Quotes and Sayings
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, "Damn, that was fun".
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Humor is reason gone mad.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well I have others.
I don't want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men - the other 999 follow women.
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Whatever it is, I'm against it.
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
Time wounds all heels.
Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
My favourite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days hath September" because it actually tells you something.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you don't see you're interested in, and this is true.
I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.
Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight."
We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says "yes" you know he is a crook.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
The only real laughter comes from despair.
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Marriage is a wonderful institution.... but who wants to live in an institution?
I'll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.
I must admit, I was born at an early age.
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Do you mind if I don't smoke?
Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends.... may they never meet!
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Hello, I must be going.
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!
If I hold you any closer I'll be in back of you!
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.
I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Was that you or the duck?
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Any place I hang my head is home.
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
All geniuses die young.
My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.
The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract - Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar." Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change." Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books."
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.
I'll teach you to kick me... You don't need to teach me - I already know how!
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay. I came to say, I must be going. I'm glad I came, but just the same. I must be going.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!
John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.
Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance? Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.
You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book - and does.
Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
All people are born alike.... except Republicans and Democrats.
Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.
Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!
You know you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.
Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I love to read. My education is self-inflicted.
I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come home.
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket.
You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!
I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
That's bad luck: three on a midget.
Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication.
This is not a book that should be set aside lightly - it should be flung with great force.
We left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second. After fifteen days on the water and six on the boat we finally arrived on the shores of Africa.
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
I have had a wonderful time but this wasn't it.
Anything that can't be done in bed isn't worth doing at all.
Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.
Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report! Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it.
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
A very interesting theory makes no sense at all.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Once I put it down I couldn't pick it back up.
If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
Who you gonna believe, me or your lying eyes?
If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.
In studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your heart's beat, and if your hearts beat anything but diamonds and clubs, it's because your partner is cheating, or your wife.
You know, I would buy you a parachute if I thought it wouldn't open.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Scientists make these deductions by examining a rat, or your landlord who won't cut the rent, and what do they find? Asparagus.